Today, I understand that dumping blame on someone else does not relieve pain or make my life better in the long run. If I reach out to others by attacking and blaming them, how can I expect them to hear anything that I say? If I want to be heard, I need to risk being seen, not as I wish to be seen but as I am. I ask too much of someone else when I say obnoxious things and yet insist on being heard. If I really want someone to understand me, I need to risk being vulnerable and letting my feelings show. Pointing a finger at someone else will only make them want to point a finger at me. It is hard to feel vulnerable, but with practice, it will become easier. I will be left with more of my real self if I don’t tear at the self of someone else.

I take this small step toward great growth

Forgiveness is the only way to break the cycle of blame—and pain—in a relationship. . . . It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness. . . . But it does allow relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive.

Philip Yancey