Dysfunctional pasts are tricky, sticky things to disentangle from. Because I felt unseen and isolated in my family, much of my sense of being close came through conflict and entanglement. We really didn’t know how to spend time together in a relaxed way. We were all on constant guard. Today I recognize that I reach for chaos and conflict the way an alcoholic reaches for a drink. I unconsciously wait for trouble to start, then I protect myself against the agony of anticipation by producing it in the form of either actual contention or
a kind of hysterical fun that is also based in tension and fear. Today I recognize this for what it is and see it all in a sympathetic light.

I forgive myself for participating in this dynamic and understand that I couldn’t help it.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.
William James